It’s just not who I am…

I was full of excuses when it came to my “experience” as a Christian. There were many times I would use my melancholic, serious, and realist personality to explain away why I did not experience God like how I perceived other Christians to.

On the flip side, I would look at those Christians who were “on fire for God” or naturally “bubbly” and their experience of faith made sense. They are just more expressive and positive in temperament, so that is how they will be as a Christian, I would tell myself. If I could not explain IT away enough I would even judge those Christians. I would tell myself they were faking it. Their attitude and their worship was for attention. They were taught to do that so that is just what they do.

The truth is I KNEW there was more to the power of the Holy Spirit. There was MORE to a relationship with Jesus. But like many things I could not figure out, I tried to ignore it and avoid it. I was trying to use rational thinking to explain something spiritual.

For a very long time my faith was lukewarm, my experience underwhelming. Admittedly, I was jealous of the joy and the expression of joy that I saw in other Christians. I had “God high” moments coming home from kids camp or the result from a women’s conference. But those were not transformative to my spirit.

This spiritual block in my faith also impacted my WITNESSING. I questioned if I was truly saved. I questioned the marketability of my faith. See I am a rule follower, if I am told to do something I do it, but I also have enough insight to recognize this will not work for the majority of the world. “Be a Christian because that is what you are suppose to do!” Ha! People would just laugh at me.

I knew I was wrong. I could not figure it out. I held onto my mantra “it is just not who I am.” “It is just NOT my personality.” This tug of war in my spirit happened constantly.

I want to be careful here and share that seeking God and Jesus in my life was NOT just so I could gain something to make me feel good. Or that I would only invest something if I could get something from it. I knew in my spirit I was being robbed of a true relationship with Jesus; whether by my own doing or another lie I believed in my life in relation to others. Lies like “do not expect anything from people because you will be hurt or disappointed.” Or “I can only depend and trust in myself.” Whatever the lies you are believing the result is the same; a WEDGE put between you and God.

THANK GOD we have a loving and patient father in Heaven. THANK GOD that I am not in control, and THANK GOD that he did not allow me to suck the life from the one life he gave me. He did not allow me to live a cheated and imprisoned life. A slave to lies that I told myself to make logical sense out of the spiritual. God does NOT disappoint, Amen. After fighting and pursing Jesus with the pure desire to know him, he met me. And he keeps meeting me.

Are you stuck in this same vicious cycle? Are you going through the motions of a relationship with God or actually being transformed by it? Are the lies in your life keeping you from living the ONE life God intended for you?

I want to encourage you today from a person who was as narrow minded and stuck in her faith as I was, do not stop praying and fighting for your faith. The Holy Spirit is limitless, crosses all boundaries and is fully accessible to ANY age, demographic, race, and PERSONALITY. He CHANGED MY PERSONALITY; in worship, in how I communicate about Jesus, and in the details of my life. Jesus PROMISES if you seek you will find, if you knock the door will be open. STOP trying to figure it out. Pursue Jesus. He will do the rest.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

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