I am having a week where it feels as though my life is unraveling. Again. I feel like a failure as a Mom, Wife, and a Christian. I feel like I am failing myself. Doubt has settled in and started stealing what was giving me hope and joy. I want to RETREAT. To close down shop, and permanently go back into hiding.
My depression blankets over me. These moments can come out of no where. There are times I can figure out what the specific trigger is other times it stays a mystery. Whatever the reason is, there is one person who likes to take advantage of these moments more than anyone, Satan. He absolutely loves kicking me while I am down. He loves to remind me of all the lies from my past. He even helps me take inventory of all the people that have hurt me, made me feel unloved, or worthless. He wraps the blanket tighter until it becomes suffocating. I’m gasping for truth but blacking out in despair.
It says in 1 Peter 5:8 “Be of sober spirit, be on alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Satan feeds on our pain.
In these moments our feelings can become so powerful that we convince ourselves they are fact. And if we are really good at retreating and hiding, the feelings become bigger and all rationale gets thrown out the window. Satan can even convince you that the people who love and care about you presently in your life, actually don’t! Or he tells you to give up altogether. You have wasted so much of your life being depressed and anxious, what is the point in trying anymore.
If you have been here, what do you do? The old me would stay in hiding for days, even weeks. Sometimes depression can feel so heavy, that physically it is difficult to move. Other times you might actually NEED a day or two to allow pity to turn to processing and then reaching out. Reaching out can include professional help or healthy family and friends.
I have been depleted by this cycle of depression and anxiety too many times to count. I have learned in these moments to quickly reach out to my people. My people are also the prayer warriors in my life. When I am defeated THEY can be the ones to pray, to remind me of truth and to begin loosening the blanket that Satan was using to suffocate me. I listen to music, or sermons, ANYTHING that speaks truth back into that moment versus the lies.
Ultimately, when you are beaten down we NEED to remember that God provides us an army. We need to call our people into battle. Whether we are losing or already defeated. Who are your reinforcements? Trust that God has given you the people as well as every tool and resource in scripture we need to fight these battles.
Slowly my thoughts of truth start to win out over the feelings of despair. I remember who I am in Christ. I remember that when you are showing light to the world to encourage others, Satan wants to hide it. I remember that at the end of the day we are in warfare BUT our God has already claimed VICTORY. And in my moment of discouragement I will praise God for HE IS GOOD and HIS love drives out all fear.
1 Peter 5:10 continues on to say “and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will HIMSELF perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” God promises that this too shall pass. Your depression will pass, your anxiety will pass, whatever circumstance that is pulling you down will pass! He will restore you!
Release the pressure you put on yourself to fix it, to be perfect, or to keep suffering in silence in fear of judgement or rejection. If you are struggling in a similar battle, take in a deep breath with me and remind yourself that Gods plans are victorious and HE’s GOT THIS! He tells us that there WILL be suffering in this life, but he can give the strength, the peace and the joy to persevere.